The hardest choice | By Gill Graaf
- Gill Graaf
- Jul 2
- 5 min read
How do you make the decision to stop, to call it, to accept that you are going no further. The trail is there in front of you. The pull to get on your bike and ride is like an uncontrollable force in your soul. Physically you are strong and fit. You still have the time to get there before the cut-off.
We’re just ordinary riders, taking on a challenge way beyond anything we have done before. We are not new to the trail. We’ve ridden almost the entire route since we signed up for the very first Freedom Circuit. We have helped run a support station and done some Buffalo Herding. We’re confident with navigation and riding in the dark and potential bad weather. We have been dot-watchers for years. We knew it was going to be hard on an extreme level. We knew that it was realistically going to take us around 24 days.
Every day is hard or even harder and long. There’s quite a lot of muttering about life choices at some point every day. There’s another monstrous climb or rocky portage. It’s cold and dark and there’s an icy wind blowing when the day starts that doesn’t really go away. You’ve been wearing dirty, damp, smelly clothes for 3 days. Your feet are constantly cold and wet.
You will make it to the next support station. It’s welcoming and dry and warm and comforting. Things don’t seem so bad, you had a good day, saw beautiful landscapes, remote untouched valleys, rivers and streams, encountered beautiful people and you can go another day. Routines are easier, bike admin, body admin, eat, sleep, ride. The weather has been really kind. It is cold, the odd short rain shower, no snow, mostly sunny.
The sunrises and sunsets are glorious. It’s magnificently beautiful out there at the moment. The Karoo is so green. The aloes are blooming, millions of wildflowers everywhere. You can hear the bees and birds and the fynbos is a fragrant sensory overload. An aardwolf crossed the road in front of you. There was a dawn chorus of lions roaring at the safari camp.
We had paced ourselves well, made some good decisions, handled the navigation. The legs were going strongly, the riding was good, it was all on track. No real issues. Tick it off a day at a time.
A thunderstorm at Kleinpoort, a graded road, 30km ride to Bucklands in slippery, sticky mud. Not good for bikes. No power, just candlelight at the support station. A hose pipe shower in the garden, fully clothed, in the dark and rain to try and get semi-clean before going inside. At the back of my mind was a fleeting thought that we should be getting revised maps here for the detour. New route instructions printed on the fridge, turn right here, go 10km on the good road, turn left at the gate, simple. Turns out it wasn’t so simple. We followed the bike tracks in front of us, missed a left turn and were suddenly in nothingness. A few hours wasted figuring it out and getting back on track. Then the Perdeberg detour. It was very hard, harder than we thought it would be. Another few unplanned hours gone. It was dark by the time we got to Hadley. We’re exhausted from the past few long days and the storm and mud and late nights. My back brakes needed to be changed. The pistons had seized, one side of the pads was entirely gone. We changed the pads in semi-darkness on the lawn at Hadley. There was nothing, pumped, still nothing. We decided to sleep at Hadley, wait until daylight to look at them properly. The sun only comes up at 07:30. Realizing the brakes were not going to be fixed and I needed to keep going with no back brakes until Prince Albert, 320km away. Another few hours lost. Your friends and fellow riders are now a full day ahead. We’re also hearing about how bad the road into Die Hel is and that it will take much longer and be slower than normal. We make it to Willowmore, a headwind is blowing, more rain is coming. Prince Albert is a days ride away, the roads are still muddy. I still don’t have any back brakes.
Our bodies are tired. Exhaustion after 20 relentless days out on the trail, a different bed every night, shared spaces, late nights, sleep deprivation, 4am alarms, navigation and strategic decision making. When things start going wrong and you have extreme time pressures. You’re pushing hard every day to get to the next point, to beat the darkness as the sun sets, and get to the next support station and more to come.. I don’t eat enough when I am stressed. How to get my bike fixed, can we get my bike fixed, make it through Die Hel, weather predictions for the next few days.
The cumulative fatigue, anxiety and mental and emotional stress of managing each day. It wore me down and broke me. I just couldn’t anymore. I broke down sobbing, 20km outside Willowmore when there was no downhill after a small rise in the road. I felt like we were being cruelly punished.
This was not something that I had ever prepared for or expected to happen to me. I’m strong and capable, level-headed and practical, we had done all the homework. I’ve lived through way more traumatic and stressful situations in my life.
We made the decision to stop, We still had enough days and were physically strong enough. That is the hardest part. All of me wanted to just get out there and ride, but John couldn’t watch me fall apart anymore. He was desperately worried about me. It was an easy decision for him, and in my heart I knew he was right. I was a complete and utter wreck.
I’m devastated, I keep crying, I struggle to check the dots, especially the ones for Tilla and Philip and John Bowen, who we had ridden so far with. I can’t watch the finish line and blanket ceremonies without bursting into tears.
It’s going to take me a while to process this journey and its outcome. It’s been an incredibly special experience. No, I’m not ok now, and I’m definitely not at peace with the decision, but I will be and I don’t regret a minute of it. Every single km was worth it and even more so that I could do it with John.
I am lost in my thoughts as we travel home. Will we be back? Would we do it all over again? Surprisingly, the answer right now is not a resounding NO!
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